Back to the future.

 So, the two weeks away from reality have ended and the return journey is now underway.

Already , there's a delay of an hour, which could be longer before it ends, so we're camped in the main departure lounge watching the sun go down and keeping ourselves happy with some of Spain's finest vino and each others company. We've spent the last two weeks doing what we wanted and going where we wanted. We've watched fireworks , seen snakes , talked to cats and marvelled at Flamboyances  of Flamingos as they they made their way across the late evening sunsets.

Let the good times linger .

But that's the point isn't it. The good times have to end so that you can earn the points to make other good times. My biggest problem with the end of this round of good times is that I've spent a lot of the time thinking about the other things I could be doing with the times when I'm earning the points. I thought about it and then I thought about it some more. I started thinking about it before the good times to be honest and I thought it was a good idea to look at the other ways ,so I did and they were good. I'd made my mind up on the change of path and how I'd have it started when we came back from the good times , it felt too good not to go into the future without the new ideas of a freer way of being about how I could live and work so what was I waiting for. I didn't have to trudge along the same old path, drive to the same old place, sit in the same old traffic queues . No!

 I could use my talent and my skill to forge a new way through the everyday and get another step closer to being the person I'm destined to be.

 The problem with me and the good times is though ,when the times are good, I tend to forget about the times when I'm earning the points. It's a learned pattern, a fault if you will. When the times are good, let em roll. So they did. They rolled right up to the end and here I am now , around round of earning the points waiting for me tomorrow. 

I have to be fair though, there has been a change this time around. There's most likely changes every time around, I suppose I just don't see them because they tend to be small, a change of feeling here, a new way of looking at something there. All small but changes non the less. 

I am going back to the points round and I'll be earning them for the next round of  good times because, I want the good times, whether it's the Flamingo sunsets or the slow steady  prospect of actually putting thought into action and doing something to make that personal difference, they're all good times, big or small.

I think the fact that I'm doing this again is a pointer towards a change and  the really good times ahead.

 If I actually do something about the other stuff 

 I just haven't noticed the change yet.

 So, 

I come back to this place.

Several years  of self exile and the more recently witnessed global events that have seen the world simultaneously come together in some ways and become even more fractured in others. All part of the life that me and millions of people are now living.

What did I pick up along the way? What have I witnessed about those around me as they struggled and continue to do so, through wave after wave of the dark and stormy emotional sea we've set sail upon ?

What indeed...

I've witnessed the best of people. The heartbreaking spectacle of love given to strangers whose struggle was suddenly a shared one. The goodness of the human soul, displayed in countless acts of charity across the globe, people united in a common cause, sometimes united in their shared grief for those that had been lost. Once these happenings  were witnessed, they can  now never go away.

We've struggled on, those waves threatening to capsize us at any moment, some got swept away but we carried on, looking for that light on the horizon , the one that we knew was somewhere just out of sight. We knew that the world was changing and that would cause the waves to be even higher before the storm blew itself out. We had to keep going, the light of possibilities not yet known growing behind the heavy cloud , a different world awaited us, called to us, life would be different when the sun broke through. And then suddenly, we hit land , we smashed into rocks, the shared vessel of our long and arduous journey breaking apart beneath us throwing us onto the wet cold sands of this unknown island. We sat there, huddled together, waiting for the dark to pass and the sun to show us where we'd landed.

When it did, some of us wished it hadn't.

 Far from the new unspoilt lands of the future we'd imagined, we found ourselves in a land that was alien but at the same time a mirror of the old one we'd sailed away from. It was as if the old had stowed away with us without us knowing it.

  In this new land where  shoots of future growth could have been pushing sunward, tendrils of old growth still clung on, strangling the new and hopeful life with all the bitter tightness it could . All of that struggle we'd been through, all of the cost just to find ourselves in a world more the same than the old one had been. And what was even worse, was when the sun reached its highest we could see just how much of the old growth there was, how much we'd have to get through before we could reach the places we'd hoped to find at the end of all our trials. At that moment, we knew the choice we had to make. We looked back at the sea we'd crossed and it was then that we realised that we couldn't go back, there was nothing for us to go back to. The only choice was for us to make our own new way through the old growth, cut it back where we could  and make our own path towards the new, the unknown, the lands of the future we'd crossed the stormy sea for. So, cut it back we did and slowly we've been able to make a path through, towards the new lands.

 On the journey we've found ourselves faced with obsticles the likes of ,the lake of stupidity, it's depths yet to be truly known and the mountains of denial, their own stark grey faces sheer and nigh on  impossible to scale . These and many more we'll discover as we travel on but travel we must. This is the land we've chosen to call home now and only together will make it to the other side. 

Haven't written here for ages. Couldn't be bothered.

 No, that isn't quite right. I didn't have the want to.
It didn't feel right . I've still written, just different stuff.
It felt different, not as public. Writing that  wasn't meant for here.
Today I felt that feeling I haven't had for quite some time. I've tended to ignore that side of me, the one that needs to do this.
I won't ignore it anymore, it wants out and I'm not one to stand in the way of  the want of words.
It was spurred on by events this afternoon. I found myself  faced with a situation that  only served to highlight the ridiculousness of the world we live in and the job I do. Needless to say, I found myself laughing at something when I should have been serious. I have to ask myself once again, How did I get here? The answer is always the same. The people I meet and not the business I work in.

Besides, I've started to feel slight unrest and want to see some change, personal and social . I'm tired of the money go round and the culture of people equalling profit is becoming an ever bigger part of the real world I find myself in. Why does this never change? It's like we've been asleep for years and now we just accept things for what they are, not what they could be. The only time we seem to be awake is when it's too late or something else has been taken away in the name of realistic progress. Then we clamour and bristle at the state of it all. We should care but first lets watch this...

Stand up all you passive subversives!

We need the change a proper deep change. Things need to matter more than the cash value they can get for someone.  
It'll be as good as a rest.       

It's alright not being alright..

I haven't posted for a while, just haven't. no particular reason other than I just haven't.

It's been like that for a while. I've  found it difficult to write. I've wanted to and at some points, I've almost broke out the keyboard and slammed some shit down about social injustice or never changing situations that I find myself in all the time.
See why I didn't ?
Recently, I've been going through some kind of personal inner upheaval. I've had to start looking at how I'm doing things and what it is I actually do.  I don't mean as in work or hobbies or the like, I mean in what I actually do in the personal and professional interactions I take part in all the time. I've discovered that I don't really deal with a lot of things in a very good way . I don't think or try to change things in a positive and more beneficial way. I am what's commonly known as a passive aggressive.
I've had to talk about some stuff, some stuff that kind of turned me inside out and a little upside down. I'm doing something that ,hopefully, will allow me to move out of the slowly decaying and ultimately dead ended world I've inhabited for God knows how long.
 Issues surrounding mental health and well being are still something we don't  want to deal with ,even those of us who find ourselves looking at the edges of them without having known we've been looking at them for a long time. The admitting, even to yourself, that you have a problem with how you deal with things and it's to do with how you are is always going to be too much for some people. I've reached the point where if I don't ,I'll self destruct. That's kind of sealed the deal for me
now.
 
I've written and spoke to others about the feelings that have dwelt in me for a long time and in all that time, I've never really got to the point and ...the point is this.
Some times, I'm not OK. Sometimes, the way I deal with and feel about things makes me do stuff that's not really good for me. Sometimes, I get angry and let it turn in on myself and then wait until it bursts out in ways that are way out of proportion to the situation I'm actually in. Sometimes, I can't separate work from real life because I'm a person and I don't always have the capacity to distinguish between what's right and wrong in a given situation. Sometimes, I let others take advantage of me because I want their affirmation and this makes me feel less like being positive and more like being miserable and drinking too much because inside, I'm screaming at myself for not being the way I want to be in these situations and how many more times am I going to let his happen? Sometimes, I think about short, sharp ends. Sometimes...I'm really, really happy.

This last few  months, I've started to do some things about it all. I've taken the first steps in changing how I deal with some of the things I've been reluctant to even think about. It's a slow process and it can be a difficult one but I'm on the road now and I've got some good people in my corner. One of the most important things I've learnt so far, is that it's alright not to be alright. It's OK not being OK .
 The first step in fixing a problem is admitting that you've got a problem. I've had a problem for a while and it's been me. I know I won't cure it but I'm starting to get the know how to manage it.
I know there's plenty more out there who'll go to work tomorrow and they be fine and tell everyone that they're OK. They'll sit at desks or deliver sessions, or give advice and guidance to others and all the time, there'll be that voice somewhere,whispering, telling them what's really going inside.
I'd advise them to listen to it because at some point, it'll turn into a shout.

It's a difficult trip but it's alright to admit that you're not alright..that's the first step..

     

Job,
Purpose,
Routine.
The marks of the 21st century Western man.
Without any of the above, we are deemed to be unfulfilled in our lives

There are people risking theirs to find out what the above can give them.
The World is changing itself.
The last age of man awaits...

Sincerely Yours..

When you grow up, your heart dies.
A film from the middle of the eighties, young people realising who they are because of a Saturday morning detention. Their real selves eventually shown through their shared experience and ,of course, from their sharing of Judd Nelson's secret stash. Always a winner that  a secret stash.

For everything we show as our public face there are a thousand things that we don't.
Growing up kills so much of what we are.

The saddest thing in this modern first world hemisphere is that aspiration now comes down to getting a job and a house.
Anything else seems to have been misplaced.

I preferred Ally Sheedy when she was all in black.

For anyone who's interested

See you next Saturday....       

Here comes summer.

People drive their cars like they live their lives, erratically.
Summer heat brings on the urgency to get home and the roads become a snarling twisted hell of potential tragedy.
We all think we're safe in our metal boxes and we go for it..full pelt. It only increases the tension and the number of times you hear the sirens coming up from behind.
All is stop start and back sweat slowly making its way down to the cold puddle it's making in the seat of your trousers.
Yes, summer's here and the time is right...