The Universe told me something this week. It said, "You're not meant to do the thing you thought you would. Something else is meant for you and I will let you know when you're ready.
Ambition, desire, the want to do something else all these have been put before me recently. I felt the need for change but that hasn't happened, well, not how I wanted. I suppose I have to remind myself of what I tell everyone else when their ambitions and earthbound wants come to an abrupt end. Things happen for a reason. That doesn't always sit well with me but the voice that isn't mine tells me this so I go with it.
There's the thing. I go with it. That's always been the way with me, going with it. The feelings of wanting to move on that I've been experiencing haven't really been about that, they never are . They're really feelings of me not listening to the inside me. The one that has always wanted to do other things. These things, unfortunately, won't pay for me to live in the world I was born into and there in lies the problem. Realism and self delusion are the opposite sides of one coin. I've thought about the past a lot lately and the way I used to be. Actually I still am but now I'm somehow more aware of the division between the everyday me and the one who waits for times when work and grown upness can give way to daydreaming, pondering and aimless creativity.
I think what I'm trying to say is that no matter how I may think I need to be doing something else, or be somewhere else to make me happier, I don't not really. I don't need a job or a position to make me...me. I sometimes still fall prey to this but soon I realise that no matter what I do, I'd still be me doing it. In fact, the opposite can happen. The things I do,the work things somehow slowly leech away at that that make me..me.It's not always easy to follow the desired path of the employer and the natural tendency of passive subversion in the face of such can bring on intense feelings of wanting to cut off my nose to spite the face. So The Black Dog may come and find me from time to time but sooner or later, I pick up on the feeling that all I need, I carry around inside me. I always have. All things can be weathered.
I thought for a while I needed to go away but I don't. I need to come back..
