I haven't posted for a while, just haven't. no particular reason other than I just haven't.
It's been like that for a while. I've found it difficult to write. I've wanted to and at some points, I've almost broke out the keyboard and slammed some shit down about social injustice or never changing situations that I find myself in all the time.
See why I didn't ?
Recently, I've been going through some kind of personal inner upheaval. I've had to start looking at how I'm doing things and what it is I actually do. I don't mean as in work or hobbies or the like, I mean in what I actually do in the personal and professional interactions I take part in all the time. I've discovered that I don't really deal with a lot of things in a very good way . I don't think or try to change things in a positive and more beneficial way. I am what's commonly known as a passive aggressive.
I've had to talk about some stuff, some stuff that kind of turned me inside out and a little upside down. I'm doing something that ,hopefully, will allow me to move out of the slowly decaying and ultimately dead ended world I've inhabited for God knows how long.
Issues surrounding mental health and well being are still something we don't want to deal with ,even those of us who find ourselves looking at the edges of them without having known we've been looking at them for a long time. The admitting, even to yourself, that you have a problem with how you deal with things and it's to do with how you are is always going to be too much for some people. I've reached the point where if I don't ,I'll self destruct. That's kind of sealed the deal for me
now.
I've written and spoke to others about the feelings that have dwelt in me for a long time and in all that time, I've never really got to the point and ...the point is this.
Some times, I'm not OK. Sometimes, the way I deal with and feel about things makes me do stuff that's not really good for me. Sometimes, I get angry and let it turn in on myself and then wait until it bursts out in ways that are way out of proportion to the situation I'm actually in. Sometimes, I can't separate work from real life because I'm a person and I don't always have the capacity to distinguish between what's right and wrong in a given situation. Sometimes, I let others take advantage of me because I want their affirmation and this makes me feel less like being positive and more like being miserable and drinking too much because inside, I'm screaming at myself for not being the way I want to be in these situations and how many more times am I going to let his happen? Sometimes, I think about short, sharp ends. Sometimes...I'm really, really happy.
This last few months, I've started to do some things about it all. I've taken the first steps in changing how I deal with some of the things I've been reluctant to even think about. It's a slow process and it can be a difficult one but I'm on the road now and I've got some good people in my corner. One of the most important things I've learnt so far, is that it's alright not to be alright. It's OK not being OK .
The first step in fixing a problem is admitting that you've got a problem. I've had a problem for a while and it's been me. I know I won't cure it but I'm starting to get the know how to manage it.
I know there's plenty more out there who'll go to work tomorrow and they be fine and tell everyone that they're OK. They'll sit at desks or deliver sessions, or give advice and guidance to others and all the time, there'll be that voice somewhere,whispering, telling them what's really going inside.
I'd advise them to listen to it because at some point, it'll turn into a shout.
It's a difficult trip but it's alright to admit that you're not alright..that's the first step..
