Haven't written here for ages. Couldn't be bothered.

 No, that isn't quite right. I didn't have the want to.
It didn't feel right . I've still written, just different stuff.
It felt different, not as public. Writing that  wasn't meant for here.
Today I felt that feeling I haven't had for quite some time. I've tended to ignore that side of me, the one that needs to do this.
I won't ignore it anymore, it wants out and I'm not one to stand in the way of  the want of words.
It was spurred on by events this afternoon. I found myself  faced with a situation that  only served to highlight the ridiculousness of the world we live in and the job I do. Needless to say, I found myself laughing at something when I should have been serious. I have to ask myself once again, How did I get here? The answer is always the same. The people I meet and not the business I work in.

Besides, I've started to feel slight unrest and want to see some change, personal and social . I'm tired of the money go round and the culture of people equalling profit is becoming an ever bigger part of the real world I find myself in. Why does this never change? It's like we've been asleep for years and now we just accept things for what they are, not what they could be. The only time we seem to be awake is when it's too late or something else has been taken away in the name of realistic progress. Then we clamour and bristle at the state of it all. We should care but first lets watch this...

Stand up all you passive subversives!

We need the change a proper deep change. Things need to matter more than the cash value they can get for someone.  
It'll be as good as a rest.       

It's alright not being alright..

I haven't posted for a while, just haven't. no particular reason other than I just haven't.

It's been like that for a while. I've  found it difficult to write. I've wanted to and at some points, I've almost broke out the keyboard and slammed some shit down about social injustice or never changing situations that I find myself in all the time.
See why I didn't ?
Recently, I've been going through some kind of personal inner upheaval. I've had to start looking at how I'm doing things and what it is I actually do.  I don't mean as in work or hobbies or the like, I mean in what I actually do in the personal and professional interactions I take part in all the time. I've discovered that I don't really deal with a lot of things in a very good way . I don't think or try to change things in a positive and more beneficial way. I am what's commonly known as a passive aggressive.
I've had to talk about some stuff, some stuff that kind of turned me inside out and a little upside down. I'm doing something that ,hopefully, will allow me to move out of the slowly decaying and ultimately dead ended world I've inhabited for God knows how long.
 Issues surrounding mental health and well being are still something we don't  want to deal with ,even those of us who find ourselves looking at the edges of them without having known we've been looking at them for a long time. The admitting, even to yourself, that you have a problem with how you deal with things and it's to do with how you are is always going to be too much for some people. I've reached the point where if I don't ,I'll self destruct. That's kind of sealed the deal for me
now.
 
I've written and spoke to others about the feelings that have dwelt in me for a long time and in all that time, I've never really got to the point and ...the point is this.
Some times, I'm not OK. Sometimes, the way I deal with and feel about things makes me do stuff that's not really good for me. Sometimes, I get angry and let it turn in on myself and then wait until it bursts out in ways that are way out of proportion to the situation I'm actually in. Sometimes, I can't separate work from real life because I'm a person and I don't always have the capacity to distinguish between what's right and wrong in a given situation. Sometimes, I let others take advantage of me because I want their affirmation and this makes me feel less like being positive and more like being miserable and drinking too much because inside, I'm screaming at myself for not being the way I want to be in these situations and how many more times am I going to let his happen? Sometimes, I think about short, sharp ends. Sometimes...I'm really, really happy.

This last few  months, I've started to do some things about it all. I've taken the first steps in changing how I deal with some of the things I've been reluctant to even think about. It's a slow process and it can be a difficult one but I'm on the road now and I've got some good people in my corner. One of the most important things I've learnt so far, is that it's alright not to be alright. It's OK not being OK .
 The first step in fixing a problem is admitting that you've got a problem. I've had a problem for a while and it's been me. I know I won't cure it but I'm starting to get the know how to manage it.
I know there's plenty more out there who'll go to work tomorrow and they be fine and tell everyone that they're OK. They'll sit at desks or deliver sessions, or give advice and guidance to others and all the time, there'll be that voice somewhere,whispering, telling them what's really going inside.
I'd advise them to listen to it because at some point, it'll turn into a shout.

It's a difficult trip but it's alright to admit that you're not alright..that's the first step..

     

Job,
Purpose,
Routine.
The marks of the 21st century Western man.
Without any of the above, we are deemed to be unfulfilled in our lives

There are people risking theirs to find out what the above can give them.
The World is changing itself.
The last age of man awaits...

Sincerely Yours..

When you grow up, your heart dies.
A film from the middle of the eighties, young people realising who they are because of a Saturday morning detention. Their real selves eventually shown through their shared experience and ,of course, from their sharing of Judd Nelson's secret stash. Always a winner that  a secret stash.

For everything we show as our public face there are a thousand things that we don't.
Growing up kills so much of what we are.

The saddest thing in this modern first world hemisphere is that aspiration now comes down to getting a job and a house.
Anything else seems to have been misplaced.

I preferred Ally Sheedy when she was all in black.

For anyone who's interested

See you next Saturday....       

Here comes summer.

People drive their cars like they live their lives, erratically.
Summer heat brings on the urgency to get home and the roads become a snarling twisted hell of potential tragedy.
We all think we're safe in our metal boxes and we go for it..full pelt. It only increases the tension and the number of times you hear the sirens coming up from behind.
All is stop start and back sweat slowly making its way down to the cold puddle it's making in the seat of your trousers.
Yes, summer's here and the time is right...

some sort of freedom.

Sitting in the late evening sun, the new way of writing in my hand. It's amazing how such a small leap forward can make such a big difference. No longer restrained by my own set limits, mobile and able to write as and when I feel.
You convince yourself you're one thing and you're mostly lying to yourself.
Turning points...don't look for them.
Just recognise them when they show up..

That's the thing with catching up with technology, you realise what you've been missing.
Imagine Bukowski with a mobile...