I have to go back to work on Monday. I've been away from the fast paced and exciting world of training for a week and to be honest, I've only missed the people I work with, not the job.
I'm envious of those who have always known what they wanted to be. I wanted to be a soldier at one point but thinking about it now, I was more in love with the look of the equipment and the idea of going on solo secret missions than the actual reality of army life. The perils of an over active imagination and being a single child with time and plenty of space to use it in.
The fact that at around 18 I started to grow my hair and fall out with the majority of society perhaps shows my real character and not the one I thought I was.The hair is short now but I'm still pissed off at most of you, that hasn't changed.That said though, it did give me some idea of what to do when I find myself stranded after a plane crash in a forest.
It's that drifting thing, not having any real ambition, well, not for anything run of the mill and having a naturally philosophical bent that's the killer.Although I've done my job for 10 years, I suffer from the perpetual drifter/dreamer syndrome, at least that's my excuse. I know there's something in there, just waiting to find the thing that's going to make me go "Ah, this is who I'm meant to be" and everything will be fine, I'll have found my purpose, my quest. I am terribly lazy though and continue to suffer the day in and day out, the mind numbing paperwork, the overwhelming details and foolishness of moneymakers who treat peoples' learning and support needs as a piggy bank .
Being a lazy Idealist is a terrible thing. You just feel out of joint with everything sometimes and when you can't be arsed to do anything about it, it's a double bubble nightmare.
Some may say that working with people who are in the situation that the people are that I do is a quest enough, maybe they're right and I just don't see it. Admittedly, there are moments of unbridled joy. I can come across someone who gives me that feeling of purpose and I'm firing on all four, going on instinct and full of encouragement. Others just make me want to adopt the pose that Mr Thompson is above, show them the door, tell them"There is nothing here for you, I'm counting to three...good day".
But that's the point, I keep doing doing it because of the ones who need it, the truly lost ones, the ones who are in some way....broken.
Other than that, perhaps I should just start shooting shit, see if I still care about purpose then...
There's a million and one ways we fool ourselves that all this is normal but when we're taken out of that 9-5 situation everything becomes obvious.
ReplyDeleteNobody ever goes, 'I feel great, life's treated me fine.' It's the classic thing of having an industrial society where most people absorb things their grandparents would never have dreamed of, and there's just a massive general air of disillusionment. - Richey Edwards