Walking through the wet streets of a late night town.
From the doorway of a bar, the sound of live music wraps itself around the spill of smokers who brave the drizzle to top up their chemical levels.
I'm only half conscious of where I'm headed but I know at the end of this uncertain journey is home.
I'm filled with the drink of several hours of slow celebration of a life changer.
I've ended one chapter of the story only to start another one in a vaguely different place with vaguely different people. That's the outside of it. On the inside, I've broken away from something I needed to for a long time.
Others come and go and it can leave you feeling as if you're the pin in a massive wheel, only moving in a circle, always spinning and aware of how everything else around you changes while you remain routed on your allotted spot. Central to things, but nonetheless, static when compared to others and their ever changing lives.It is, of course a complete illusion. Sometimes it's just the movement that counts.
So, I make my way , unsteadily, to a place I know where transport to the comfort of my home awaits. If the happenings of earlier this morning are any gauge, I must have been quite unsteady.
It's funny, you never really think about the influence or impact you have on others until you're standing in a room with them looking at you and waiting for you to sum up your feelings on the last eleven years of your life. Conversely, you are suddenly aware of their effect on you. Things like that can't be summed up at all really. Every time I've thought about it, it comes out differently. In the end,it was stilted and clumsy with the added extra of my true self being displayed in the tears that really said how I felt about my final goodbyes.
It's all about people. Nothing will ever affect you like other people. It's dangerous to let them in but endlessly rewarding and affirming when you do, whatever the outcome and whatever the cost. If you build anything, build it on those around you, however you do it.
On the outside,I've walk away from the past and I'm walking towards things I'm not even sure about in some respects. That doesn't even matter. Like I said, sometimes, it's just the moving that counts and the doors it opens.
On the inside, I'm willingly taking a piece of my past on towards the new uncertainty.
It holds those I want to take with me..
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